Friends and Kindness

A thoughtful friend is one of the most wonderful things. I'm feeling a bit under the weather today, a bit stressed about a dance performance tonight, and I received this picture.

The guy in this photo is my favorite singer-songwriter, Brendan James. He is playing Off the Record Fest this weekend in South Carolina, and much as I wanted to be there, I couldn't make it happen. But my dear friend Sarah is there, and she got Brendan to agree to this photo. They both made my day. 

Now to a lot of people, this may not seem like a major deal, but to me, this is amazing. And I think that's what being kind to others is like. It may not seem like that much, but just a bit of kindness could mean the world to someone. So be kind; it costs so little, yet gives so much. 

Thick-framed self-discovery

A few months back, I inadvertently started a social media firestorm by posting pictures of myself trying on various glasses.  I had gotten an at-home trial for some frames, and was seeking my friends' opinions on which ones suited me best.  The entire thing got hijacked by people with their own agendas that had nothing to do with my actual question: did any of the frames look nice on me.  As a result, I became hellbent on purchasing frames from this company (one of  the surest ways to get me to do something is to tell me I can't).  After several rounds of try-ons, I have determined that none of them actually work for me.  I really like the company, and want to support them, but I feel like I'm wearing someone else's glasses everytime I try on their frames.

I realised why this is the case: I was trying to fit myself into something that I'm not.  I have a pretty varied style, but there are just certain things are really me.  I've never liked wearing glasses, I always feel like the girl at the beginning of all the teen movies.  You know the one, quiet, geeky, unattractive, always wearing glasses.  And then she gets some magical makeover and contacts, and everyone treats her like a person.  I hardly ever wear my glasses, but there are times when I must.  These frames that I've been trying are unlike any other pair I've had, and now I know why.  I was listening to other people who said try something different, round would be good for you, bigger frames are all the rage.

Don't get me wrong, I'm really grateful to these folks.  They challenge me not to get stuck in a rut, to be open to new ideas, to try things I would never have considered before.  But in this case, I learned that I still have to be myself, even as I stretch and grow.  I cannot be someone else, I can only be me.  I can be better versions of me, but I must still retain my sense of self.  And even if my new glasses look exactly like the last 3 pairs I've had, there's some comfort in knowing (and liking) who I am.

Burnout

While chatting with my sister-in-law about work, we hit upon an interesting topic:  burnout.  So many of us experience it, and yet, we are so under-prepared for how to combat it.  In some fields, preventing burnout is built in, but for most, we are told to just "suck it up" and "work through it".  Of course these tidbits of advice do not work at all, b/c what we really need is a genuine break, a vacation, some time away from our jobs, or our kids, or our spouses, or sometimes all three.  Why is it that we are not taught to recognize early signs of burnout?  Why are we ashamed of not "cutting it" and admitting we need to take a few mental health days?

Our society of superheroes, of pushing ourselves to standards of perfection that are just unattainable, is killing us.  We are not super, we're just us, but damnit, we are magnificent anyway.  Perhaps some would use the excuse of burnout for laziness, but for the most part, combating burnout would improve efficiency, effectiveness, and productivity.  We could be better, so much better, if we just had the tools to take better care of ourselves, if we didn't push ourselves beyond our limits, if we maintained healthy boundaries, if we protected  ourselves.  

I have no ideas of how to actually fix this problem, but there are plenty of people smarter than me, who must already be thinking about it.  In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my vacation, take some time to do a few minutes of yoga, listen to some music, and just be.  I hope you make some time to do what you need to make yourself better.  

Family Dinners, Judgment, and Acceptance

Posted this in a conversation with some Facebook friends today about motherhood, adoption, and relationships:

It's definitely not for everyone. And a woman who chooses not to have children is no less a woman than one who has birthed a legion. Your self-awareness should be applauded, not scorned. Unfortunately, as women, we all feel marginalized for not having children or for having them, for working or not, for getting married or being single. As a result, we all can be a tad bit defensive if we feel our life choices are being called into question.

And it got me thinking.  At this time of year, our thoughts and lives turn to family, the ones we are born into and the ones we create.  Many of us dread spending time with our extended family now, b/c we know we will invariably be judged.  These people, some of whom we see only once a year, ask about our lives of which they otherwise have no or very little part.  And they make broad sweeping statements about ways our lives would be better.  They also remind us why we choose to see them so infrequently.

Maybe this year could be different.  Maybe your cousin doesn't have a girlfriend, because he's working really hard on other aspects of his life.  Be proud of his accomplishments, instead of belittling his lack of dates.  Or maybe your sister has decided not to have children or get married.  Don't try to change her mind; she's given this way more thought than you have.  Be supportive.  She is choosing to find life fulfillment in other, nontraditional arenas.  Your uncle has finally come out of the closet.  Remind him that you still think he's cool, maybe even cooler now.  At the end of the day, it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.  Just b/c you share blood ties with them, it doesn't give you the right to pass judgment on the decisions they have made for themselves.

We are all just searching for happiness.  And the happiness that works for you won't work for anyone else.  Telling another person how to be happy is about as effective as telling the cats not to play with the decorations.  You yell and bluster, and they get scared, defensive, angry, and run away for awhile.  And then when your back is turned, they go back to what they were already doing.

Think about how you want to be treated at these holiday get-togethers.  Not like a defendant in a dock, but like a real person, with valid feelings and opinions.  And then remember that's what everyone deserves.

Concussion Conclusions

Nearly 3 weeks ago, I was in a car accident. In addition to whiplash and other muscle strains that were to be expected, I realized that I also had a concussion. Lack of focus, dizziness, headaches, and forgetfulness have become common occurrences for me. It's frustrating and disorienting, and I am having difficulty coping.

I no longer want to go to playgroups with the baby. I dread getting in the car and try to create excuses to keep me from having to do so. Shopping is virtually impossible; bright lights and colors everywhere cause vision distortion. I cannot keep track of appointments or my possessions, and struggle to keep up with my children.  I am embarrassed while trying to converse with people as I cannot remember what either of us is saying. Instead of calm and patience, my family is greeted by irrational anger and frustration.

I am working with my doctors and my therapist, but for concussions there is very little to be done but to ease the healing process by resting and avoiding additional stress to the injury.  It is easier for me to just drop out of life for a little while.  I will be back when I am able.

Farewell to an Unparalleled Woman

An amazing woman died this morning.  Dr Maya Angelou overcame tremendous adversity to become one of the most highly regarded poets and authors of our time.  She used her words to fight injustice and was active leader of the Civil Rights Movement, acquainted with both Dr King and Malcolm X.

But her works continue to ring true today.  They are still a rallying cry for anyone fighting grave social evils, whether it is the GLBT community, or women straining to be heard over the din of male entitlement.  If you have been at all active on social media platforms within the past month, you will undoubtedly have seen the hashtags #grabbed and #yesallwomen.  And if you read them, you would have been shocked by the stories of daily abuse that women, modern American women, still face.  Even more appalling was the response by men, who shouted down the stories as "attention-seeking" or "whiny", and then turned around to proclaim their own tales of woe and rejection at the hands of women, further proving that chauvinism is alive and well in this country.

Maya Angelou did not allow naysayers to defeat her.  Her voice was not dimmed by those who disagreed with her.  She triumphed over bigots and misogynists by never bowing to their demands, by refusing to sit quietly.  As women, we must follow her strong example.  We will never effect change by merely stating what has happened to us.  We have to use our stories to educate others, and to enact real change.  We are not crying for sympathy -- we are calling for the men of the world to look at what is happening to their wives, sisters, mothers, daughters, friends, and do something to help.  They don't have to be monumental actions, but simple, personal things, like treating women in their lives with respect, as people, not as sexual objects to be owned, used, and discarded.

Women also are not above reproach.  We too have a responsibility to be respectful of each other, to end slut-shaming.  We cannot expect men to treat us with respect when we do not even afford each other or ourselves the same.  We also cannot ask for men to listen to us if we are unwilling to open a dialogue with them.  We have to be willing to respectfully listen to their views as well, no matter how much we disagree.  Despite seeming convenience, we must avoid using sex as a weapon and any other manipulative tactics.  These will only weaken our position, and make us no better than men who do the same.

I am proposing a revolution, but not a violent one; rather, a revolution based on respect and tolerance.  Dr Angelou proposed the same.  It was not easy, nor was it quick, and it continues to evolve today.  However it will be effective and long-lasting, as long as there are people willing to work for it.

Thank you, Dr Angelou, for teaching us to overcome adversity, bigotry, and misogyny to find peace.  Your voice, your words, will live on, as we fight injustice the world over.  May you rest in peace.

A Plan for Fighting Writer's Block

I've been avoiding my blog for awhile for a very lame reason.  I can't figure out what I want to say, much less how to say it.  I feel like I should write more often, but every time I make time to try, my screen and I strike up a blank staring contest instead.  (It wins.)  Occasionally, I'll have a flash of inspiration --a funny anecdote, an important topic-- but then nothing gets transmitted from my brain to my fingers.

Perhaps I mentally set the bar too high for myself.  Let's not kid around, I'm a mommy-blogger, not a Pulitzer-worthy journalist.  But I prefer to actually want to read what I write.  How can I ask other people to read something I consider dense, dull, and directionless?

A friend advised me to try writing through my writer's block, saving it, and editing out what I don't like.  Problem is, even after filling a page, I'd read it a few days later and then delete everything I'd written while simultaneously bashing my head against the monitor.  So my new approach is to write about my writing struggles.

This bit has flowed surprisingly well, primarily because I felt no pressure to write this.  I just wanted to test an idea and had nothing to lose...except my writer's block.