I keep doing this thing, where I think out paragraphs of conversation in my head and don't say any of it. But I think maybe I should say them out loud, b/c it's important to get out what's going on in my mind. Otherwise I just occasionally say things that seem to everyone else to be completely random and/or crazy, when in actuality if I said everything I had been thinking up to that point, it wouldn't seem so totally out of line. I might make sense.
I'm considering picking up my blog again, the one about being a soccer mom, but I'm not entirely sure that's practical. Lately, it seems I'm increasingly concerned with the practical. How much does this cost? Is it really worth that? Can I really spend time doing that without feeling like it's a waste? I don't know why the sudden obsession with practicality. It's like I have to justify everything I do or, in many cases, don't do, now that I have another child.
My husband thinks I'm starved for human contact, and perhaps this is true. I'm a stay-at-home mom. I don't have a job any more, at least not a paying one that takes me out of the house. I have 2 little boys, a 4 year old and a 3 month old. They are my job. And I love being home with them.
But I would be lying if I said I didn't miss my old job. And I also miss contributing financially. My husband's income keeps us from being hungry and part of his job keeps a roof over our heads. Some days I stress about feeding us for 4 days with only $45, keeping in mind that a big chunk of that money has to go towards buying gas. I'm not saying this b/c I want charity or pity. I want to be able to work. But I can't work outside the house right now, not with the way things are with the boys. Maybe in a few years...in other words, an eternity.
I've been offered an opportunity for on-the-job training. A company will teach me a skill, while paying me a stipend, as long as I agree to work for them for 2 years. Only a few problems with this: 2 hour commute (each way), and I have no interest in the subject matter. If they were going to teach me to appraise art, or offer me photojournalism assignments, I'd be thrilled and say yes without any hesitation. On the other hand, it would be steady pay and get me out of the house. But I fear I would be bored out of my mind. Not that there'd be any difference from my current state of mind. Everything sounds inane and uninteresting. I don't want to do this or that or anything I can think of, but I also don't want to do nothing at all.
So I'm thinking of starting an intensive workout regimen. Something that requires no real equipment and costs no money. I had considered P90X but don't have $200 to buy the DVDs. Also everyone in my life thought it was crazy. And that forced me to reexamine my motivations. Well, #1 is body image, which has completely evaporated thanks to pregnancy and a C-section and breast feeding. Also my husband finds my best friend very attractive and she is built NOTHING like me physically. So even though he tells me he thinks I'm beautiful and sexy and I know he has no intention of cheating on me, I can't help but think if I was built like her, maybe what he says would be true.
This isn't to say that my husband is a bad man. In fact, I believe he is a wonderful man, a great father, a hard worker, and I know he loves me and our boys more than anyone else in the world. Which is why what I said in the previous paragraph is so incongruous to me. I struggle with this on a daily basis and try to reconcile it with the man I know. Mostly I just can't do it, so I start to take myself apart, piece by piece. And I realise just how terribly insecure I am. I want to be super mom...correction, supermodel mom. Perfect hair, perfect makeup, flawless style, chic yet functional, incredibly organized, health-conscious, thrifty, crafty, environmentally aware, spotless house, well-behaved kids who are socially conscious and compassionate, and yet thoroughly well-adjusted, playful, inquisitive boys. If I ever achieve all that, I believe I should be eligible for a Nobel Prize of some sort or at the very least a book deal.
