Posted this in a conversation with some Facebook friends today about motherhood, adoption, and relationships:
It's definitely not for everyone. And a woman who chooses not to have children is no less a woman than one who has birthed a legion. Your self-awareness should be applauded, not scorned. Unfortunately, as women, we all feel marginalized for not having children or for having them, for working or not, for getting married or being single. As a result, we all can be a tad bit defensive if we feel our life choices are being called into question.
And it got me thinking. At this time of year, our thoughts and lives turn to family, the ones we are born into and the ones we create. Many of us dread spending time with our extended family now, b/c we know we will invariably be judged. These people, some of whom we see only once a year, ask about our lives of which they otherwise have no or very little part. And they make broad sweeping statements about ways our lives would be better. They also remind us why we choose to see them so infrequently.
Maybe this year could be different. Maybe your cousin doesn't have a girlfriend, because he's working really hard on other aspects of his life. Be proud of his accomplishments, instead of belittling his lack of dates. Or maybe your sister has decided not to have children or get married. Don't try to change her mind; she's given this way more thought than you have. Be supportive. She is choosing to find life fulfillment in other, nontraditional arenas. Your uncle has finally come out of the closet. Remind him that you still think he's cool, maybe even cooler now. At the end of the day, it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Just b/c you share blood ties with them, it doesn't give you the right to pass judgment on the decisions they have made for themselves.
We are all just searching for happiness. And the happiness that works for you won't work for anyone else. Telling another person how to be happy is about as effective as telling the cats not to play with the decorations. You yell and bluster, and they get scared, defensive, angry, and run away for awhile. And then when your back is turned, they go back to what they were already doing.
Think about how you want to be treated at these holiday get-togethers. Not like a defendant in a dock, but like a real person, with valid feelings and opinions. And then remember that's what everyone deserves.
